.

The most hate I've ever had for one person, is the hate I've held for myself. I do, I hate myself. Everything I do -- what I'm doing right now -- I hate it, and I hate me. I don't know where it stems from. I don't know where my hate has its roots, but I do know that it's there. But there's something else there as well.. something that isn't hate, and I don't know what it is.

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know why I am here. I want to die. I wish I could. If I weren't to exist on this earth, it would make no difference at all; speaking in the very big picture, that everyone wishes they could be apart of.

But I am not special, and I am not good. I am a bad person, a defect, and I should not be here. I hate myself, and everything I do.

I hate myself and want to die.

I Hate Myself

and I want to die.

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.
and I want to die.

I want to die die die die die die die die die die die die die.

I'm not sure if I really want to die, but it feels like it.

My own reminder of how alone I am 6 days out of the week, but it's more like 7 days, because I won't be able to get that one day for very long.

Kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me

Am I going insane? No. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm a normal teenaged girl. I don't need your help. I don't need help. I fucking hate it.

Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

Kill me kill me kill me kill me

is all I know how to think right now

but no one understands, or cares, either one or the other, or both. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

I wish I were different

I wish I were more

I wish I were someone else

I wish I was her

I wish I could die

I wish I could do so many things

But I can't

I'm worthless.

I wish. I wish I was her. I wish... that it were like that, between he and I.

But it isn't

Because I'm not.

Again.

Again, with this lonly feeling. Again, with the worthless ness.

Nothing's as it should be. I want to go somewhere else. I want to be someone else. I want to be doing something else.

I could go to the place of no return. I could be something, that something that no one here knows about.

I just can't help it. Looking back, I see so many, so frequent posts about... "____ is really cool. I'm really glad she's my friend," "I wish I could've gotten a little more time with ____" and all this really... great stuff about ____.

You know what I wish? I wish ___ would post things like that, not on a private blog. I wish I could make him as happy as she did. I wish I were more.

But I'm not.

I'm a pathetic piece of shit.

I went wrong, somewhere, doing something. I don't know where, I don't know what, but I'm sure it happened. I'm just not that great of a person. That's why. That's why he doesn't like me as much as he liked her.

I'm not paranoid, I'm really trying not to be paranoid, I'm really working on it

but I'm still not good enough. I never wrote lyrics and bought him a teddy bear to say I'm sorry.

I'm just not one of those "awesome" people that you want to hang around with.

I'm shitty.

It all makes me so sad. So, sad. I don't even deserve the right to have feelings, I'm that worthless. Energy was wasted in bringing me up, Ma. You should've gotten rid of me when you had the chance.

I feel like throwing up. I was hungry today, too... Oh well.

Waste away, I'll just do that. I don't have much of an apetite anymore... Things should work out like that then.

I Just...

I feel worthless. I am worthless. I cause problems, and that's the only thing I do. I feel like someone's stabbed me in the stomach and is now twisting, day and night.

I feel... numb? No... not numb, I feel paralyzed. I can still feel, but I can't go anywhere. I can't do anything. I'm worthless.

A lot of things are catching up with me, right now. A lot of insecurities are coming back. Those things I thought would just go away, won't. I review my life, all those times...

Good lord.

I remember all those times something of huge proportion has affected me... something that should've been a big deal...

Just wasn't. Not to anyone but myself.

No one cared when I told about my grandfather and uncle... No one cares... when other people do me wrong.

Actions... speak louder then words.

I don't want pity. I want understanding.

Why...

Can't...

I can't even finish.

I want to die. Fade away. People've already half forgotten me

why not finish it?

Hmm...

Chloe took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Considers the existing circumstances disagreeable ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

You know, I'd hate to be the one to mould my feelings to fit an online quiz thing, but some things just fit right, and seem to frame the right words I was never able to find. I do:

• Need the respect, recognition, and understanding of those close to me
• Have unfulfilled expectations that have led to uncertainly and an apprehensive watchfulness.

• Badly need to feel secure and protected against further disappointment, being passed over, or losing standing and prestige.
• Try to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left me listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if I am denied that.
• Fear that I might be prevented from achieving the things I want
  

I am:

• Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.

Mmm.

I tried to talk to her today... well, I was kind of trying. Bailey talked to her a little for me, telling her she needed to talk to me. I told Bailey to tell Alex that I wanted to set aside differences and fix things... and Alex goes, "What differences?" Just like she would.

After 7th, she was out in the hall with everyone crowded around. I wanted to go up to her, but I was so scared, I was to the point of shaking. Instead, I hung out *near* her, but not *by* her. She hates me, and she doesn't want to resolve anything. Or at least, she doesn't want to talk to me.

Well you know what? I don't want to talk to her either. There is nothing more I would like then for her to go away forever and to stop hanging around the people I care about most. But, I actually want to make the people I care about HAPPY, so I'm trying to help out this little thing we've got going on.

I don't like her. She doesn't like me. We don't have to be the best of friends in the world -- hell, I don't even want us to be friends -- but the least we could do is get a lot of shit out of the way and try not to dislike each other anymore. I mean, we don't have to LIKE each other, but at least we don't have to be to the point of dislike.

Gah. I consider her immature and childish, for not even being willing to at least talk. She's selfish and offensive, and quickly switches from normal converstaion to being sarcastic. She's mean, she's spiteful.

But at least if we were at peace with each other, it would make Bailey and Jake happy.

Jake... would be happy... if he got to hang around her more... talk to her more... Were friends with her again. After all the shit she's put him through, after how she's ditched him time and time again... it'd still make him happy if they were friends...

I hear, when Andrew was friends with Alex, she wanted to break up with Brandon, but was too scared to for the fear of hurting him. I wonder if she still feels like that and I wonder (if she does) then what she intends to do, and how she views Jake at this time.

I just.. who am I to stand in the way of Jake's happiness? If Alex makes him happy, so be it. They'll be super friends again

and I'll rot away inside. Yaaaay.

I really do like him. I heart that guy so much. <3 He means so much to me, and I don't know if he realizes it. :(

I Find it Hard to Take

Waiting for my loverly to get online. He was supposed to get in town 2 hours ago, but maybe traffic was bad...? I.. don't want to think about something bad happening to him. Please, dear lord, I hope beyond hope that he is a-okay and I can talk to him soon. 2 hours ago...? But it took them this long to GET to St. Louis, so maybe it took them that long to get back... I hope...

It's crazy how much I miss that guy.

And now
gone
again